You’re Not Your Parents: Learning to Trust Yourself
If you grew up in a home where approval and love was conditional, your feelings weren’t allowed, or where you had to take care of your parents, trusting yourself as a parent can feel quite unfamiliar, and at times even terrifying. Because you are now the parent. You’re the one that is in charge now. And you’re doing everything in your power to raise your children differently.
Many cyclebreaking parents live with quiet, nagging, fears that are hard to say out loud:
“What if I turn into them?”
“What if I still mess up my kids even though I know better?”
“How can I trust myself when I never had a model for healthy parenting?”
If you’ve had these questions or similar ones nagging at you in the midst of your harder parenting moments, here is one thing to consider: these fears are not proof that you’re failing. They are simply signals that you care and are paying attention. It means you likely have a desire to parent differently. It might be easy to brush that aside as meaningless, but trust me when I say that simply being aware there is something there matters a whole lot in this arena. Just imagine how much would have changed for you if you had parents who had a desire to be different? Who reflected on their choices rather than reacted without apology? Imagine what would feel different about your childhood if you had parents that didn’t always assume they were right? Imagine what would feel differently if you had parents that were even moderately curious about your experience? I think you get my point: being open to possibility, to change can truly make all the difference. But trusting yourself to be a steady ship in the storm that is modern parenting is not a small task.
Why it Can be Hard to Trust Yourself
Self-trust doesn't just "come naturally" when you didn’t grow up in a trustworthy environment. If your caregivers were emotionally unpredictable, abusive, dismissive, or simply unavailable, your nervous system adapted by learning to scan outward for safety cues. You may have become hyper-vigilant, overly compliant, or numb. You may have learned to silence your gut feelings in order to survive.
And when your basic needs for validation or consistency weren’t met, you may have internalized the belief that your instincts couldn’t be trusted. That you needed someone else to tell you what was right or wrong. That love had to be earned.
When that’s your foundation, it makes sense that parenting your own children can feel disorienting. You’re doing something you never witnessed. You’re giving something you never received. It’s not that you’re failing—you’re building a new map with no blueprints.
The Fear of Becoming Your Parents
For many people healing from complex trauma, childhood emotional neglect or CPTSD, one of the most distressing fears is this:
What if I become just like them?
This fear might show up as:
Overthinking every parenting decision
Becoming paralyzed when your child has a meltdown
Harsh self-talk when you lose your temper
Trying to be the “perfect” parent to avoid making mistakes
If this sounds familiar, pause for a moment and notice what that the only thing these fears actually point is that you care. You’re watching yourself with an awareness your parents likely never had. That insight alone is a powerful difference.
You’re not parenting on autopilot. You’re reflecting, processing, choosing. That’s what breaking cycles looks like—not never making mistakes, but knowing how to be aware, repair, and grow.
Connecting to Your Inner Self
So what does it actually mean to “trust your inner self”?
Your inner self isn’t a loud, perfect voice that always knows the right answer. It’s a quiet, growing sense of what feels true in your body, your values, and your lived wisdom. If your childhood taught you to abandon yourself in order to stay safe, reconnecting to your inner guide will feel shaky at first. That’s okay.
Here are a few ways to begin:
Pause and check in with your body. Before reacting, ask: “What’s happening inside me right now?” Your body often gives you clues about your emotions before your mind can name them.
Differentiate fear from intuition. Fear tends to be urgent and punishing. Intuition is quieter, grounded, and calm. That doesn’t mean it will feel easy, simply that it will feel aligned.
Practice small, aligned choices. Trust isn’t built all at once. It’s strengthened every time you do the next best thing—even if it’s messy. Remember there are no perfect parents.
Small Moments Build Self-Trust
You don’t have to overhaul your entire parenting style overnight. It’s in the small moments that trust is restored:
Taking a breath before reacting, even if you still yell.
Saying “I’m sorry” and offering repair when you mess up.
Saying no to unsolicited advice that doesn’t align with your values.
Choosing presence over perfection.
Each of these moments is a radical act of parenting from yourself—not from inherited scripts.
You’re Not Failing—You’re Forging a New Path
Perfection is a myth. Even the most attuned parents have moments that aren’t ideal. What matters as a parents is having an ability to reflect on the situation and your reactions, and then repair relationships so that connection is restored.
Your parents may have operated from a place of their own pain and trauma, which might explain their behavior but doesn’t excuse it. You’re choosing to face yours. That is the work of transformation.
You are allowed to be a work in progress and be a good parent at the same time.
In Closing
Self-trust may not feel strong yet—but it’s possible. Every time you choose awareness over reactivity, curiosity over shame, or connection over control, you are listening to it. You are writing a new story for your children’s childhoods. It may not be easy to be a cyclebreaker, but it will most likely be worth it.
If you’re parenting while healing and looking for support, I specialize in working with cycle-breaking parents navigating CPTSD and complex attachment trauma.